I drove my car to the abandoned layout. I started walking as do most people who come there. I was wide awake and could perceive the minutest details around me. It started raining. The aroma of mud, the clean roads, and the soft yellow light of the setting sun, the cerulean skies, the clean air, and the palm trees at a distance, the slow, melodious music from the temple, light drizzle made the whole environment awesome. I went back and threw my cell phone in the car and continued walking. People started to dwindle as the drizzle continued. It’s a perfect place for troubled souls to do some soul searching, for people who prefer seclusion from the daily chores and relax, for people who want some fresh air and get some exercise, people who clandestinely want to meet their loved ones, for people to conspire things.
I pondered and soliloquized over many things till that eternal question of whether what I did to her was right came back to haunt me.
“We won’t keep in touch from tomorrow” I had told her.
“Alright, if that is what you want, fine, this is my last call to you” and she'd banged the phone down.
That was two days ago. No messages or calls from her since then. Sleep and hunger have been elusive. With a heavy heart I walked along the road which was deserted now. It was in these very roads that i had talked with her for hours as i walked. Feelings of guilt only added salt to my already wounded heart. I had to choose between my heart and mind. I chose what my mind said eventually. Mind is wise and it knows what is best for me, I had argued. She had said mind is about copied things, makes decisions based on your past experiences and whatever you have heard or read, heart knows what exactly you need. I was awestruck. That was the first time she ever spoke philosophically or more generally intellectually and I was baffled with her ingenuity.
Mom said “Come on in. It’s getting late”
“Wait mom. Two more rounds. Should get my figure right as early as possible” I said giving a false smile.
I wanted to make sure that I look normal in front of her. So I thought of walking for some more time.
I'd said “What you say as heart is nothing but a gamut of emotions. And these emotions are your reactions to the situations you face – the difficulties, happy times etc. You can change your emotions if you want. But don’t try to serve your emotions always.”
“You don’t understand anything! A n y t h i n g! You think you are very intelligent and give big lectures but do you ever try to understand my feelings. You are a maniac, an egomaniac”
“Good!, you understood me finally. Thank you”
“Yes. Wish you all the best for your future.”
“Wish you the same”
I am not the one to express my emotions be it joy or sorrow. I had camouflaged my feelings from her. Now I had started to feel a sense of guilt. My throat was drying, my hands were shaking, and my face seemed lifeless. With every breath I took I felt like moving towards a cliff.
I moved into the driver’s seat. I pushed in the key, and was moving it back and forth. Mother noticed that I wasn’t normal. I was trying to behave normally but the compunction was killing me, eating me from within. She kept her hand on my shoulder and said “What happened” slowly empathetically. That was enough for me to break down. I just could not control this anymore, I gave in. I opened the door, and collapsed in to the rain water drain. Emotions burst out, with tears raining out of my eyes. I felt like i was falling into a bottomless well. I dint want her sympathies, she dint know how to react to this either.
DISCLAIMER: Guys this is purely fictional. Of course fiction needs some real inspiration. The agony i saw some of my friends undergoing inspired me to write this :)
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Friday, April 21, 2006
......
Have you ever had this experience? You are sitting in the cab to go home and some one in your team calls you to tell there is a bug in your code and you have to come back. Well I had to undergo this inhuman treatment today.
It was 8.30. I was on the way to main gate, my phone started ringing, the no… oh shit… it’s the office landline no. I knew from a past experience that something was amiss. Dint want to pickup the phone, but if I was destined to suffer who could prevent? I picked up the cursed phone.
The module lead on the other side says “Srikanth…”
“Wait… Don’t tell there is some bug. I am already near the cab” I say facetiously
“Actually, in the EventTemplate Manager, confirmation message is coming twice”
“Yaar it’s a simple fix. Don’t make me stay for 2-3 hours for a job that takes hardly 5 minutes. Why don’t you yourself look into it?”
There is a pause of few seconds
“Ok. I will do it”
“Thanks yaar. And sorry”
“It’s ok”
I go and sit in the cab. Two minutes later, the dreaded phone rings again. The same no again.
“Hello Srikanth. I have other work to look into some other issues. I don’t have time. Why don’t you come back man? We will arrange a cab at 9.30 for you”
“Ok. I am coming” I replied with a mixture of sadness and anger in my tone
“Sorry yaar”
“Its ok”
I don’t know how many times I used the ‘F’ word before reaching the office. I whole heartedly cursed that module lead and the company ( don’t know why company got victimised :) ). I opened the door and without looking at that guy I just rushed to my system. Phew! I had shutdown my system!!! :( A software engineer shutting his system is like raining in summer. Few more ‘F’ words come out fluently. I switch on the system and that guy comes from behind and says “Sorry man… I have some other work”. I say “Its ok” demurely without turning back.
This is not the first time it happened. Some time ago I was called back to fix a “minor” issue because of which I had to stay till 5 am. The problem is you might fix the bug in 5-10 minutes, but there are no other cabs and you have to wait till the last person in your route is ready to leave. Moreover food won’t be good in the evenings.
The first thing I did was to open a empty word document to write a blog in protest of this inhuman practice. I felt like "bali ka bakra". Started the IDE and the server and then the client. Saw the issue and fixed it in two minutes. Then it took some 5 minutes to deploy the code and restart the client and test it. Works fine. Checked in file. Done. Then I went to have dinner. Another cab was about to leave by the time I completed my dinner. I wanted to complete this blog before my anger reduced, before I could soften my stand, before I could lose out that flow. Told the office boy that I would leave in the 9.45 cab. Its 9.49 now and my mission is accomplished.
can anyone suggest a suitable title?
It was 8.30. I was on the way to main gate, my phone started ringing, the no… oh shit… it’s the office landline no. I knew from a past experience that something was amiss. Dint want to pickup the phone, but if I was destined to suffer who could prevent? I picked up the cursed phone.
The module lead on the other side says “Srikanth…”
“Wait… Don’t tell there is some bug. I am already near the cab” I say facetiously
“Actually, in the EventTemplate Manager, confirmation message is coming twice”
“Yaar it’s a simple fix. Don’t make me stay for 2-3 hours for a job that takes hardly 5 minutes. Why don’t you yourself look into it?”
There is a pause of few seconds
“Ok. I will do it”
“Thanks yaar. And sorry”
“It’s ok”
I go and sit in the cab. Two minutes later, the dreaded phone rings again. The same no again.
“Hello Srikanth. I have other work to look into some other issues. I don’t have time. Why don’t you come back man? We will arrange a cab at 9.30 for you”
“Ok. I am coming” I replied with a mixture of sadness and anger in my tone
“Sorry yaar”
“Its ok”
I don’t know how many times I used the ‘F’ word before reaching the office. I whole heartedly cursed that module lead and the company ( don’t know why company got victimised :) ). I opened the door and without looking at that guy I just rushed to my system. Phew! I had shutdown my system!!! :( A software engineer shutting his system is like raining in summer. Few more ‘F’ words come out fluently. I switch on the system and that guy comes from behind and says “Sorry man… I have some other work”. I say “Its ok” demurely without turning back.
This is not the first time it happened. Some time ago I was called back to fix a “minor” issue because of which I had to stay till 5 am. The problem is you might fix the bug in 5-10 minutes, but there are no other cabs and you have to wait till the last person in your route is ready to leave. Moreover food won’t be good in the evenings.
The first thing I did was to open a empty word document to write a blog in protest of this inhuman practice. I felt like "bali ka bakra". Started the IDE and the server and then the client. Saw the issue and fixed it in two minutes. Then it took some 5 minutes to deploy the code and restart the client and test it. Works fine. Checked in file. Done. Then I went to have dinner. Another cab was about to leave by the time I completed my dinner. I wanted to complete this blog before my anger reduced, before I could soften my stand, before I could lose out that flow. Told the office boy that I would leave in the 9.45 cab. Its 9.49 now and my mission is accomplished.
can anyone suggest a suitable title?
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Quote
People spend a lifetime
Searching for happiness
looking for peace
They chase idle dreams
addictions,Religions, often other people,
Hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them
The irony is that
the only place they needed to search was
within themselves
Ramona L Anderson
Searching for happiness
looking for peace
They chase idle dreams
addictions,Religions, often other people,
Hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them
The irony is that
the only place they needed to search was
within themselves
Ramona L Anderson
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Rajkumar Dies...
In our cab the cabbie and two others are telugiites, they were discussing the situation
“They have burnt one Volvo bus as well”
“I don’t think when NTR died there was this much of chaos in Andhra”
“In Tamil Nadu there was the situation was still worse when MGR died”
“Ya there they worship cine actors. You know what there are three Khushboo temples and two Simran temples in TN. One hardcore Rajni fan was interviewed, he was telling when Rajni comes on to the screen, and he imagines himself in Rajni’s shoes and thinks as if he is doing everything”
“Crazy people…”
“Andhra people are decent. They wont do like this”
I was getting hurt I said chauvinistically “Not because they are decent, Andhra people just don’t care for anyone. Tell me when is there no problem in Andhra? Naxalites keep kidnapping MLAs, try to bomb chief minister. This is what decent people do is it? Show me any such incident in Karnataka. It has always been a peaceful state.”
The media has cashed in on the Raj Kumar fans hysteria. Switch on any channel, you will invariably find mobs being lathi charged or police men being stoned by frenzied fans or buses being burnt. In fact all channels except Kannada channels and news channels have been blocked.
Times of India has gone overboard with the headlines “Bangalore Burns”, concentrates mostly on the buses being burnt etc while sidelining rajkumar’s death. Deccan herald gives a more emotional headline like “Farewell to annavru”.
While there is no disputing the fact that NTR and MGR were great actors Raj kumar scores above them with his simplicity even at the highest level. Those who came in contact with him felt his warmth and humbleness. And the fact Raj Kumar didn’t misuse his star status to enter politics is a reflection of the man’s stature.
No matter what he will linger in our minds forever. And let his soul rest in peace.
“They have burnt one Volvo bus as well”
“I don’t think when NTR died there was this much of chaos in Andhra”
“In Tamil Nadu there was the situation was still worse when MGR died”
“Ya there they worship cine actors. You know what there are three Khushboo temples and two Simran temples in TN. One hardcore Rajni fan was interviewed, he was telling when Rajni comes on to the screen, and he imagines himself in Rajni’s shoes and thinks as if he is doing everything”
“Crazy people…”
“Andhra people are decent. They wont do like this”
I was getting hurt I said chauvinistically “Not because they are decent, Andhra people just don’t care for anyone. Tell me when is there no problem in Andhra? Naxalites keep kidnapping MLAs, try to bomb chief minister. This is what decent people do is it? Show me any such incident in Karnataka. It has always been a peaceful state.”
The media has cashed in on the Raj Kumar fans hysteria. Switch on any channel, you will invariably find mobs being lathi charged or police men being stoned by frenzied fans or buses being burnt. In fact all channels except Kannada channels and news channels have been blocked.
Times of India has gone overboard with the headlines “Bangalore Burns”, concentrates mostly on the buses being burnt etc while sidelining rajkumar’s death. Deccan herald gives a more emotional headline like “Farewell to annavru”.
While there is no disputing the fact that NTR and MGR were great actors Raj kumar scores above them with his simplicity even at the highest level. Those who came in contact with him felt his warmth and humbleness. And the fact Raj Kumar didn’t misuse his star status to enter politics is a reflection of the man’s stature.
No matter what he will linger in our minds forever. And let his soul rest in peace.
Mind games
Most people keep thinking the same kind of thoughts, and visualise the same mental images in an unconscious automatic manner. This means keep viewing the same movie in their minds, and consequently go on creating and living the same kind of life.
You can change the thoughts and images in your mind, which is equivalent to inserting a new cassette into the VCR of the mind. As thoughts create events and circumstances, by changing the habitual thoughts, life’s events and circumstances change too.
Most people don’t know or don’t believe that it is possible to change their way of thinking. The reality of this possibility has never occurred to them. There are people who have the knowledge and make the effort. If they persist in their efforts to become more conscious of their thinking process, and attempt to control and filter the contents of their minds, they realise in a practical and direct way that their thoughts are creative and possess power.
Silencing the mind is a higher stage that very few know about, and fewer take practical steps to achieve. If and when one reaches this goal he realises that he is not his mind or his thoughts, but something beyond. He realises and experiences in a very clear manner the reality of his true essence, and the illusion of what is called reality.
The ability of silencing the mind is the key to the switch of the mind, enabling us to turn it on and off as we wish. When we are able to switch it off at will, we experience serenity of mind, strength, confidence and happiness. When the mind and its thoughts are quiet, we are able to use the mind in a most effective way.
Silencing the thoughts and the incessant, tiring, consuming chatter of the mind makes us enjoy a peaceful and joyous consciousness. At this stage we become the boss of the mind.
A strong power of concentration makes it easier to free the mind from thoughts. When there are no thoughts to distract, one becomes fully aware and conscious of the true eternal inner being. This is the goal of spiritual seekers, yogis and saints. This is the secret goal beyond every tradition and religion. This secret is yours to live and enjoy, if you strive towards it.
The mind is responsible for everything that happens. It is the creator of everything in the world. The world is dependent on the mind for its existence. When in deep sleep, are you conscious of the world? Is someone in a swoon, conscious of the world? No, consciousness of the world happens only when the mind is active. In deep meditation, when the mind is quiet the world seems to disappear. When the mind is conquered, the world is conquered.
~Courtesy TOI
You can change the thoughts and images in your mind, which is equivalent to inserting a new cassette into the VCR of the mind. As thoughts create events and circumstances, by changing the habitual thoughts, life’s events and circumstances change too.
Most people don’t know or don’t believe that it is possible to change their way of thinking. The reality of this possibility has never occurred to them. There are people who have the knowledge and make the effort. If they persist in their efforts to become more conscious of their thinking process, and attempt to control and filter the contents of their minds, they realise in a practical and direct way that their thoughts are creative and possess power.
Silencing the mind is a higher stage that very few know about, and fewer take practical steps to achieve. If and when one reaches this goal he realises that he is not his mind or his thoughts, but something beyond. He realises and experiences in a very clear manner the reality of his true essence, and the illusion of what is called reality.
The ability of silencing the mind is the key to the switch of the mind, enabling us to turn it on and off as we wish. When we are able to switch it off at will, we experience serenity of mind, strength, confidence and happiness. When the mind and its thoughts are quiet, we are able to use the mind in a most effective way.
Silencing the thoughts and the incessant, tiring, consuming chatter of the mind makes us enjoy a peaceful and joyous consciousness. At this stage we become the boss of the mind.
A strong power of concentration makes it easier to free the mind from thoughts. When there are no thoughts to distract, one becomes fully aware and conscious of the true eternal inner being. This is the goal of spiritual seekers, yogis and saints. This is the secret goal beyond every tradition and religion. This secret is yours to live and enjoy, if you strive towards it.
The mind is responsible for everything that happens. It is the creator of everything in the world. The world is dependent on the mind for its existence. When in deep sleep, are you conscious of the world? Is someone in a swoon, conscious of the world? No, consciousness of the world happens only when the mind is active. In deep meditation, when the mind is quiet the world seems to disappear. When the mind is conquered, the world is conquered.
~Courtesy TOI
Friday, February 24, 2006
One freak incident...
One freak incident happened a few days back… I was returning from my morning jog. A girl came from a street on the left. She was wearing tight white pants sticking to her thighs and her yellow T shirt was slightly above her waist. She had dyed her hair red. She started walking in the same direction as me. She was walking at some 50 meters from me. Given the kind of street it is, you could always expect people to stare at u when u wear such dress… she was the center of attraction…
One man aged around 50 walked in the opposite direction. He had sagging skin around his eyes and mouth and grey hair. He just kept staring her till they crossed. And what was even more interesting was that he kept turning back to look at her. I could not control my smile when he came near me. He quickly understood… we both found ourselves laughing loudly in the middle of the street.
One man aged around 50 walked in the opposite direction. He had sagging skin around his eyes and mouth and grey hair. He just kept staring her till they crossed. And what was even more interesting was that he kept turning back to look at her. I could not control my smile when he came near me. He quickly understood… we both found ourselves laughing loudly in the middle of the street.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Those two days..
The homa kunda had been laid. I had brought with my own bare hands bricks from a considerable distance. Shastrijis were busy decorating the homa kunda. We managed to get a table fan from the adjacent house. We put the fans near the window so that they could blow out the smoke. I got ready and hung my newly bought digicam around my neck.
The homa started. I started clicking my camera at virtually everything that seemed remotely interesting. After all I could take 300+ photos even at 3mega pixel resolution. When I was turning my camera in all directions, my camera’s eyes fell on a beautiful girl. She smiled at her companion. My heart missed a beat. She was wearing a pink dress, the favorite color of most girls. I showed her to my brother. He didn’t show much interest. But I was determined to take her photo but somehow deferred it.
That afternoon, she sat for lunch on one side. Tables had been laid in two rows facing one another. I wanted to sit right opposite to her and watch her from close quarters. But this opposite row was completely empty. I waited for some seats to be occupied and just when it got filled till the middle of the row I jumped to the seat. Ya I got to see her closely. I could stare at her for just 1 or 2 seconds. I felt I was being watched so turned my to my left. ThenI started taking photos. I took some 3 photos when came her turn. I zoomed in to get the closest picture and clicked.
That evening one of my friends was to come from Shimoga, I went and received him at the railway station. After introducing him to my parents I took away and told him about her and showed her photo. He did not show much interest either instead he asked – “Did you talk to her”. “Talk what? I don’t even know her”. “You don’t need to know everybody to talk to them. You could have asked how the food and all was”. I nodded nonchalantly indicating that that could have been done. But it would have been rather uncharacteristic of me to ask her. I usually am more reactive than proactive. If a person starts the conversation then I would happily continue it but I am usually a bit hesitant to start any conversation. Also I couldn’t have escaped the 50 odd people’s prying eyes who seemed more interested about others than themselves.
The next day afternoon she had come again for lunch. But I was busy with some other work so I could not take another photo of her. After the lunch my doddamma(my father’s cousin’s wife) asked “There is not even a single girl to cool your eyes right?” I was taken aback. I mean she would talk quite freely everybody, but still this came as a surprise to me. But i recovered quickly and said – “No yesterday I saw one good looking girl here. I have even taken her photo”. Before I could complete my words someone else dragged her to conversation.
In the evening I had gone out with some relatives to have some junk food. When we returned, there she was having dinner in the hall. She was already half way thru.I hurried into the room to get the camera. While coming out of the room doddamma quipped “I know why you took the camera. In the afternoon I was wondering who that girl could be. Now I saw her. But she is not all that good”. “May be you have seen her friend. She is good looking” I bargained. “Just ok-dokey”. I ran to the other room from where I could see her. But there were already 7-8 people sitting on the bed and chairs. I went to the farthest end of the bed behind everyone. My brother came and sat beside me. I focused on her and…Click…flash…flash...flash. My uncle who was busy conversing now got curious and asked for the photo. Fortunately or unfortunately somebody had come in between and only his back could be seen. I clicked for the second time…click…flash…flash…flash. This time again some one who was sitting, got up just in time. She was already having curd rice and could finish off any moment. I told to myself ”C’mon man…do it fast”. I focused for the third time and clicked…my aunt moved sideways…and you know what would have happened. It seemed like all the gods had conspired against me. This time, the girl turned around to see where all these flashes were coming from. She saw me holding the camera. The zoomed out lenses pointed towards her. She smiled to her friend and whispered something. They were off the next moment. Seeing my pale face my uncle seemed to have understood my feelings, he didn’t ask for the photo again. I was happy I had communicated what I could not say.
After this incident I did not see her again but she came in my dreams twice. I have been longing to see her…I came to know she is the sister of one of the Shastriji's daughter-in-law.And that shastriji is my father's friend and stays near my house. So..i am still in with a chance :)
The homa started. I started clicking my camera at virtually everything that seemed remotely interesting. After all I could take 300+ photos even at 3mega pixel resolution. When I was turning my camera in all directions, my camera’s eyes fell on a beautiful girl. She smiled at her companion. My heart missed a beat. She was wearing a pink dress, the favorite color of most girls. I showed her to my brother. He didn’t show much interest. But I was determined to take her photo but somehow deferred it.
That afternoon, she sat for lunch on one side. Tables had been laid in two rows facing one another. I wanted to sit right opposite to her and watch her from close quarters. But this opposite row was completely empty. I waited for some seats to be occupied and just when it got filled till the middle of the row I jumped to the seat. Ya I got to see her closely. I could stare at her for just 1 or 2 seconds. I felt I was being watched so turned my to my left. ThenI started taking photos. I took some 3 photos when came her turn. I zoomed in to get the closest picture and clicked.
That evening one of my friends was to come from Shimoga, I went and received him at the railway station. After introducing him to my parents I took away and told him about her and showed her photo. He did not show much interest either instead he asked – “Did you talk to her”. “Talk what? I don’t even know her”. “You don’t need to know everybody to talk to them. You could have asked how the food and all was”. I nodded nonchalantly indicating that that could have been done. But it would have been rather uncharacteristic of me to ask her. I usually am more reactive than proactive. If a person starts the conversation then I would happily continue it but I am usually a bit hesitant to start any conversation. Also I couldn’t have escaped the 50 odd people’s prying eyes who seemed more interested about others than themselves.
The next day afternoon she had come again for lunch. But I was busy with some other work so I could not take another photo of her. After the lunch my doddamma(my father’s cousin’s wife) asked “There is not even a single girl to cool your eyes right?” I was taken aback. I mean she would talk quite freely everybody, but still this came as a surprise to me. But i recovered quickly and said – “No yesterday I saw one good looking girl here. I have even taken her photo”. Before I could complete my words someone else dragged her to conversation.
In the evening I had gone out with some relatives to have some junk food. When we returned, there she was having dinner in the hall. She was already half way thru.I hurried into the room to get the camera. While coming out of the room doddamma quipped “I know why you took the camera. In the afternoon I was wondering who that girl could be. Now I saw her. But she is not all that good”. “May be you have seen her friend. She is good looking” I bargained. “Just ok-dokey”. I ran to the other room from where I could see her. But there were already 7-8 people sitting on the bed and chairs. I went to the farthest end of the bed behind everyone. My brother came and sat beside me. I focused on her and…Click…flash…flash...flash. My uncle who was busy conversing now got curious and asked for the photo. Fortunately or unfortunately somebody had come in between and only his back could be seen. I clicked for the second time…click…flash…flash…flash. This time again some one who was sitting, got up just in time. She was already having curd rice and could finish off any moment. I told to myself ”C’mon man…do it fast”. I focused for the third time and clicked…my aunt moved sideways…and you know what would have happened. It seemed like all the gods had conspired against me. This time, the girl turned around to see where all these flashes were coming from. She saw me holding the camera. The zoomed out lenses pointed towards her. She smiled to her friend and whispered something. They were off the next moment. Seeing my pale face my uncle seemed to have understood my feelings, he didn’t ask for the photo again. I was happy I had communicated what I could not say.
After this incident I did not see her again but she came in my dreams twice. I have been longing to see her…I came to know she is the sister of one of the Shastriji's daughter-in-law.And that shastriji is my father's friend and stays near my house. So..i am still in with a chance :)
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