Thursday, August 10, 2006

Sacrilege?

I drove my car to the abandoned layout. I started walking as do most people who come there. I was wide awake and could perceive the minutest details around me. It started raining. The aroma of mud, the clean roads, and the soft yellow light of the setting sun, the cerulean skies, the clean air, and the palm trees at a distance, the slow, melodious music from the temple, light drizzle made the whole environment awesome. I went back and threw my cell phone in the car and continued walking. People started to dwindle as the drizzle continued. It’s a perfect place for troubled souls to do some soul searching, for people who prefer seclusion from the daily chores and relax, for people who want some fresh air and get some exercise, people who clandestinely want to meet their loved ones, for people to conspire things.

I pondered and soliloquized over many things till that eternal question of whether what I did to her was right came back to haunt me.

“We won’t keep in touch from tomorrow” I had told her.

“Alright, if that is what you want, fine, this is my last call to you” and she'd banged the phone down.

That was two days ago. No messages or calls from her since then. Sleep and hunger have been elusive. With a heavy heart I walked along the road which was deserted now. It was in these very roads that i had talked with her for hours as i walked. Feelings of guilt only added salt to my already wounded heart. I had to choose between my heart and mind. I chose what my mind said eventually. Mind is wise and it knows what is best for me, I had argued. She had said mind is about copied things, makes decisions based on your past experiences and whatever you have heard or read, heart knows what exactly you need. I was awestruck. That was the first time she ever spoke philosophically or more generally intellectually and I was baffled with her ingenuity.

Mom said “Come on in. It’s getting late”

“Wait mom. Two more rounds. Should get my figure right as early as possible” I said giving a false smile.

I wanted to make sure that I look normal in front of her. So I thought of walking for some more time.

I'd said “What you say as heart is nothing but a gamut of emotions. And these emotions are your reactions to the situations you face – the difficulties, happy times etc. You can change your emotions if you want. But don’t try to serve your emotions always.”

“You don’t understand anything! A n y t h i n g! You think you are very intelligent and give big lectures but do you ever try to understand my feelings. You are a maniac, an egomaniac”

“Good!, you understood me finally. Thank you”

“Yes. Wish you all the best for your future.”

“Wish you the same”


I am not the one to express my emotions be it joy or sorrow. I had camouflaged my feelings from her. Now I had started to feel a sense of guilt. My throat was drying, my hands were shaking, and my face seemed lifeless. With every breath I took I felt like moving towards a cliff.

I moved into the driver’s seat. I pushed in the key, and was moving it back and forth. Mother noticed that I wasn’t normal. I was trying to behave normally but the compunction was killing me, eating me from within. She kept her hand on my shoulder and said “What happened” slowly empathetically. That was enough for me to break down. I just could not control this anymore, I gave in. I opened the door, and collapsed in to the rain water drain. Emotions burst out, with tears raining out of my eyes. I felt like i was falling into a bottomless well. I dint want her sympathies, she dint know how to react to this either.

DISCLAIMER: Guys this is purely fictional. Of course fiction needs some real inspiration. The agony i saw some of my friends undergoing inspired me to write this :)