Past imperfect, future tense

Freak Incident 2

2010-11-10T07:13:00.000-08:00

Driving in traffic, i end up cursing a handful of people. Monday it was no different as i drove from Bangalore to Mysore. But what was different was that a car scared the hell out of me.

I was overtaking a slow moving vehicle probably an auto. A callous driver started honking continuously from behind and wanted to overtake me. It was a Getz. Since i had moved to my right, i dint want let go of my position. But this Getz guy was persistent and was honking continuously and irritated me. I signalled to him with my right hand to shut up and overtook the auto. He stopped honking momentarily. But as soon as he got space, he swiftly over took the auto and then he moved in front of me and stopped his car just a few meters ahead of me with a screech. My heart was in my mouth as i tried hard not to hit the car in front of me. My car stopped just a few inches behind the Getz. My legs were shaking. I thought the Getz guy was going to come and probably hit me. I could have not defended myself as i was really scared. So i prepared to reverse my car. Luckily the Getz guy moved on.

Make Do

2009-12-11T02:50:00.000-08:00

There has been an un-conscious effort by me for some time now, to avoid unnecessary spending, to avoid getting hooked to the latest trends in clothing, to avoid using latest technology unless there is a need. This has been driven mostly by my financial condition and has less to do with any idealogy.

But now i have made a conscious decision to make do with available things, avoid unnecessary spending on anything. Again the word unnecessary is very subjective. Our necessity depends on our socio-economic-cultural conditions. For example if your company needs you to wear a shoe everyday, you have got to do that whether you want it or not. And what is necessary and unnecessary has to be decided on a case by case basis. very much depends on how we reason out whether a thing is necessary or not.

I am open to experimenting things, but should guard against getting hooked on to that thing. And yes, being in the mainstream gives you comfort. So its also important that your ideologies don't make you feel you lack something.

The story teller

2009-08-24T20:14:00.000-07:00

It was around 6 pm and I was returning from a photography expedition. The season being mansoon, its very pleasant and green where. I thought of relaxing after an arduous day of trekking, photography and driving. i reached this village called ಕೊಟಯ್ಯನ ಪಾಳ್ಯ. It was village fair that day the village was buzzing with activity. vegetables, fruits, grams, cattle, poutry etc. makeshift hotels sold dosas, idlis, bhajji etc. draw carts carried boiled groundnuts, shaollow fried groundnuts, corn etc.

The sun had just sunk and left some yellow streaks in the sky. A groundnut vendor finished his sale for the day. He threw the left out groundnuts on the slush formed bullock carts' wheel treading over loose soil. As i watched, an old man with a flowing grey beard, aged around 60, dressed in soiled clothes and wearing a woolen blanket sat down near the slush and selected the best of the left out groundnuts, washed it in the nearby water pool formed by the recent rains, went to the big banyan tree which i later came to know as his abode.

The banyan tree being at the heart of the village, the only street lamp in the village was present right opposite to the banyan tree. The street lamp was turned on. The vendor right below the street lamp would toss up the groundnut seeds from the fan shaped wooden apparatus. The flakes would slowly settle down on the apparatus in its next trip upwards. Glittering in the yellow light, wobbling, rotating as they settle. Children would watch it amused.

The old man turned out to be a good story teller and was popular among children. children flocked him for stories. They would sit on his lap, he would tell them stories, some of them from panchatantra and some of which i hadn't heard of. He would hold the blanket as if it were his wings and close it by capturing the children inside, children would scream and be scared away, yet the same children would come back after a few minutes. I looked on curiously. he narrated this small story which held my attention for a short while.

"Six blind men were asked to determine what an elephant looked like by feeling different parts of the elephant's body.The blind man who feels a leg says the elephant is like a pillar; the one who feels the tail says the elephant is like a rope; the one who feels the trunk says the elephant is like a tree branch; the one who feels the ear says the elephant is like a hand fan; the one who feels the belly says the elephant is like a wall; and the one who feels the tusk says the elephant is like a solid pipe. All of them are right. The reason every one of them is telling it differently is because each one of them touched the different part of the elephant. So, actually the elephant has all the features you mentioned."

I thought all of us are blind in one way or other and have touched only one part of elephant and believe thats what is true. That we believe the perceptions generated by our sense organs in coordination with our bloated egos is the truth. As i mulled our the limitations of our reasoning and sensory perceptions, the old man turned to me and said to me an English accent familiar in government circles "You are absolutely right!!"

Photography... my new obsession

2009-08-24T19:53:00.000-07:00

At different stages of life i have been obsessed with different things. During college days i was so obsessed with studies that i wouldn't take some time out movies even once in 6 months.

After college i was obsessed with a girl, i called it love. I am happy it happened, even more happy it lasted only as long it lasted. It taught some important lessons, but thats about it.

My present obsession is photography. I enjoy photography; however because it grabs people's attention, i think i feel more encouraged to pursue it.

My previous obsessions died down as quickly as they became obsessions. I want to make sure that this new found obsession stays on and on. Lets see :)

Hand of ghost

2009-05-28T00:51:00.003-07:00

Continued from "Hunters get hunted"...

I reached raghavendra's house. Raghavendra's mom had taken him somewhere so waited for them to come back. When they came back, Raghavendra had some yellow paste smeared on his face, red powder on his spandrel. A kind of look that could scare away children. His mom said she had taken him to an exorcist. She gave you-are-responsible-for-all-this kind of look. I was taken aback him, i looked at raghavendra. He looked straight at me without embarrassment. After sometime i took him out to know what had happened.

He said, since the incident, without his conscious thinking, he was trying to strangle himself with his left hand. He would somehow ward off the left hand by using his right hand. He said he dint consciously try to strangle himself. His mother believed that the ghost had come upon him which was doing this. It was scary. The ghost hunter got hunted? He was talking plainly, there was no sense of pain, regret or remorse. He also had lost the sense of smell.

I asked if he never went to doctor these days. He said "I had been to a physician who thought that i was depressed and i was attempting it myself and referred me to a psychologist. Then i went to see a psychologist, he said he found no signs of hysteria or other mental disorders - he gave some anti-depressants."

I suggested that we see a neurologist. I took him to a neurologist. As we explained to the doc, he hardly gave any thought to whatever we said, the issue being so eerie. He suggested us to get the MRI scan of skull done. "Did you have any head surgery or injury". Doctor said "Its hardly surprising the way he is bahaving. His pareital lobe in right hemisphere is partly damaged. parietal lobes process information from senses, especially touch. Thats probably the reason he is not able to smell anything.

The corpus callosum which is a bundle of nerve fibres is the bridge between left and right hemisphere is damaged, almost severed. Through corpus collosum the two hemisphere exchange information. Each hemisphere has some specialized functions. In most people, language abilities is controlled entirely by the left hemisphere.

Our neuron circuitry is such that anything that happens in the left part of the body, that information is processed by the right hemisphere and vice-versa. With his condition, sensory information received by the right hemisphere cannot be transferred to the language systems of the left as the corpus collosum is severed.

A person with his right hemisphere damaged will experience inappropriate emotional response. Like being extremely depressed. In his case he is feeling extremely depressed, which is in-explicable but happens due to right hemisphere being damaged. Right hemisphere cannot transmit the associated sensory data to the left hemisphere and its language centers. The left hemisphere perceives a change in the body's state, but does not know why.

Their verbal left hemispheres do not know some things that their right hemispheres do know. In short, these people's callosal disconnections have produced two separate consciousnesses - two distinct spheres of awareness - within their minds. "

Kind of startling revelation. "Is there no cure for it". "There is no known formal treatment for Alien Hand Syndrome at this time, the symptoms can be reduced and managed to some degree by keeping the alien hand occupied and involved in a task. There is generally a gradual reduction in the frequency of alien behaviors observed over time and a gradual restoration of voluntary control over the affected area. Neurons change and the organization of their networks do change and so their function by experience, resulting re-formation of corpus callosum. I can even teach him some exercises to keep the alien hand occupied and override the behaviour of alien hand"

Hunters get Haunted

2009-05-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

Continued from An attack of a different kind...

After talking to madha, i met raghavendra's mother and told her what i saw. She had a different story to tell. "Before they converted the forest here for agriculture, huge trees were there here. Some of them could be as old as thousand years. My mother-in-law used to say, after felling the trees she saw an old woman in green saree sitting beside the stumps and weeping. Mother-in-law would say she used to see it quite frequently. But it has not harmed anyone."

I narrated my experience plus madha and raghavendra's mother versions to the rest of our gang. Contrary to my expectation, they were not shocked, but were thrilled. Probably because they had realized that this ghost was harmless, everyone with the exception of Nagraj now wanted to be ghost hunters. Raghavendra was reluctant to spend time and energy on this but agreed to come with us. Nagraj we decided would remain in the house and make a call to one of us if he heard the voice. Now we needed to search for an appropriate place to wait and watch for the ghost. Place should be near yet it should hide us from all other sides. We found a small tree with its branches drooping at the start of the forest. It was around 100 meters from the house and at around 45 degress to the left of the house. One could lift the branches with little difficulty and hide under it. We got hold of a few torches, a mosquito coil. We were set, we eagerly waiting for the night.

After dinner, at around 9:15 we left to our hiding place. We dint tell anyone about our adventure lest it attract attention and distract our ghost guest. We crouched under the tree, lit up the mosquito coil. We decided to to sit with our backs facing the tree so that we could keep vigil in different directions. it was around 10th day of the moon cycle when its size increases, so there was enough light to sight the ghost if at all it neared the house. We felt we had gone there too early. It was around 11:30, we were all tired and sleepy as we were awake the last night. At this point of time, we heard leaves being trampled upon. I kept a watch at the house. Raghavendra was watching forest side. sadashiva was looking at raghavendra's house side. Srikant S looked at the toilet. The trample continued and by now it was apparent it was coming from the forest side. Suddenly there was bustling movement as if someone was running towards us. Raghavendra's torch light ended dint go farther than a few feet as there was lot of plantation. We came to know how ill equipped we were. We were sitting on our toes ready to run any moment if needed.

We heard a gunshot. Raghavendra shot up and his head hit one of the branches. He collapsed in pain. There was more movement and this time it seemed the movement was away from us. There was no sound after a few seconds. We sighed with relief. Raghavendra was bleeding. We hurried him to his house. His mom called one of the two guys in the village who owns an auto. Raghavendra's family being the priests at the local temple is well respected in the village and people wont think twice to come for help even at this ghostly hour. We took him to a hospital in Hebri he was given some first aid. We were told "it looks like a superficial head injury so few stiches might suffice. However its better to get and MRI scan done. Its not available here. You have to go to Udupi for that". We returned from there.

Next day Raghavendra's mom was visibly pretty angry with us. We volunteered to take him to udupi for MRI scan. However both mother and son did not want it. They felt the previous night's dressing and medications were enough. we left for bangalore the same day. Raghavendra stayed back.

Raghavendra had not returned from home. I being indirectly responsible for his plight decided to go and see him. One mystery that i forgot to tell is what happened that night. Since they are living in such close proximity to forest, its common that at night wild animals do come near the house. So some one usually patrols the area during the night. Madha who was patrolling that night, on hearing some wild animal shot dummy bullet from his long barrel rifle to scare away the animal.

(Story will continue in my next blog)

Some random thoughts

2009-05-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

* US accuses Taleban of violating rules of war by using white phosphorous as weapon against it in swat valley.heheheheh This is like an auto driver abusing another auto driver for violating traffic rules. There are extremists in every religion however self proclaimed protectors of religion like Taleban just mis-interpret their holy text and try to follow it to its last word. And a country like USA which has a mindset that every other country in the world is just to feed its greed, is at the opposite end of the spectrum to Taleban.
* The world is going to be better place nevertheless never global warming etc. More people are taking to organic farming. i read somewhere how use of fertilizers reduces microbes in soil, increases the water requirement, reduces the yield. Science is understanding its inherent limitations and trying to mimic the nature. For example, i read that some innovative idea to improve aeroplane is to make it resemble a bird in flight - use V formation to conserve energy during long flights. Luficer lamps are being researched which use the chemical reactions used by fire-flies to produce ultra-low energy consuming lamps.
* Although i have always snubbed Astrology, i have been curious to know how many of the predictions have come true. Given a situation, we have only the following choices - 1) Do nothing 2) React to situation and do a quick fix 3) Act pro-actively and take preventive measures. when you know someone closely, and if that person uses only choices 1 or 2, any intelligent person can predict his behavior. Astrology believes that planetary motions affect the people in positive or negative manner. For time being lets assume that this is true, if you know that the combined effect of the planets for a particular person is positive/negative and given that the person is not pro-active, its easy to determine the person's behavior. Its doesn't mean that a person doesn't have free-will, but we limit ourselves by not exercising many options and hence we are predictable. And coming to planetary motions affecting us, science finds it amusing, however it would be foolish to think anything that science cannot describe doesn't exist. It could be that with the knowledge we have we don't see any such relationship between the planetary motions and human behaviour.
* Royal Challengers are winning and thats a great news. shifting to south Africa seems to have helped their cause. Better pitches, new players this season have done the trick. Anil kumble has one of the best average of 5.83. However i am disappointed with Rahul Dravid who started off really well, but now looks out of sorts.
* Like fasting, recession is good. Fasting lets body use the reserve energy and cleanses the body. Recession has led me to use shirts and pants i had long forgotten and which languished at the bottom of my wardrobe.

Hypochondrical

2009-04-24T23:15:00.000-07:00

I am accused of being hypochondriacal. They say i am too much worried about my health. Why wont one be worried if one of his very health friends gets spondilitis in the neck because of reduced gap between two bones in the neck, the cause - bad posture, if another of his usually healthy colleagues limps to office because of a tear in the knee muscle because of some unknown reason and says it has to end in surgery, if his manager some to office one day saying his right hand mobility is limited because of mouse/computer usage and he ought to do something about it...

Why wont one be worried if the orthopedist immediately asks the patient if he is a software engineer and grins as if he expected half the people with that problem to be software engineers. Why wont one be worried if a yoga university dedicates a research team for just computer related ailments, when there is no such team for mechanical engineering ailments or lecturer related ailments or government employees ailments...

Some excerpts from a study regarding occupational health hazards -
"Computer, a hallmark of technological advancement has ushered in a new genre of occupational health problem, i.e. of computer related health problems. India being the forerunner in the cyber world the occupational health personals is slowly awakening to this group of modern occupational diseases, which are slowly taking its roots among the information technology (IT) professionals. These problems if ignored can prove debilitating and can cause crippling injuries forcing one to change one's profession.[1],[2] There is an urgent need to understand the dynamics of these problems and prevent it from assuming epidemic proportions. With young children being introduced to computers much early on in life, it is all the more important to be aware of the problems and follow necessary preventive steps to check the progression of computer related health problems."

"The magnitude of computer related problems were as high as 93% in the present study [Table - 1]. These were visual problems in 76%; musculoskeletal problems in 77.5% and stress in 35% of study subjects. The females had more problems (96.7%) as compared to the males (91.3%). They experienced more visual and musculoskeletal problems while stress perceived was more by males. The difference was found to be statistically significant for musculoskeletal problems and stress at P < 0.05 and P < 0.02, respectively.

The highest morbidity (96.3%) was in software development group. The highest prevalence of visual and stress was also in software development group while musculoskeletal problems were highest in data entry workers [Table - 1].

In the present study 152 subjects had visual problems, of these, 82.9% were working for 1 h or more at a stretch [Table - 2]. Chakarpani et al[2] in Visual Display Terminal (VDT) users at Hyderabad found a significant correlation between duration of work without a break and frequency of symptom occurrence. WHO[8] also observed a significant positive correlation between duration of work without a break and the frequency of symptoms occurrence.
"

Yes i am worried and rightly so. I believe in living more naturally and close to the nature. One kannada proverb when crudely translated means "people who have teeth wont have the nut to eat and people who have nut wont have the teeth to eat it". Ideally one would want both teeth and nut, but if i have to choose only one of them i would choose teeth. As the cliche goes health is wealth...

Having said that, i am not a doom sayer, i dont say that every computer professional will end up with health problems some day. The way i see it, more and more software companies will wake up to the health hazards posed by improper ergonomics and longer working hours, there will be corrective measures, and situation will become much better. but i am scared to take any risks... So actively thinking of switching my profession... but I dont have many options... lets see...

Bade acchhe lagte hai

2009-03-28T00:54:00.000-07:00

Bade Acchee lagte hai
Yeh Dharti ,yeh nadiyaa, yeh rainaa aur! tum

Hum tum kitane paas hai, kitane duur hain chaand sitaare
Sach poochho to man ko jhoothe lagate hain yeh saare
Magar saccche lagate hai, yeh dharti ,yeh nadiyaa, yeh rainaa aur! tum

Tum in sab ko chood ke kaise kal subah jaaogi
Mere saath inhe bhi to tum yaad bahut aaogi
Bade achchhe lagate hain ...

I heard this song today on the radio. Its pure melody, simple lyrics captivated me. I just loved the song.

Cric-ball

2008-12-28T23:27:00.000-08:00

The other day i had gone to Capitol school grounds for a walk. A few poor children came there with nothing but their ragged clothes but wanted to play. After sitting and watching for sometime, they approached a group playing football and borrowed the extra foot ball they had and new game was born :). The "bowler" would roll the ball on the floor, the "batsman" would kick it as hard as he can and "run". The "fielder" meanwhile would fetch the ball, he would either kick it from there to the "bowler" or throw it.

Similarly there was this gang of some 6 children from a government school playing volleyball with tennis ball. This was not very new to me since we had played "round tennis" similarly in the school days.

Isn't it amazing the way we have altered the game fit our various constraints

Event handling

2008-11-30T22:23:00.000-08:00

Event handling is much better than polling.. u don’t have bother urself all the time… but receiving an event is not guaranteed always.. i am not talking of some OS or programming language.. i am talking abt life, i just felt today that its better to do some changes only if you get some feedback rather than thinkin abt it frequently and changing it... the latter unlike in machines can make u bored and frustrated... Weird post!! i know i know :) :)

An Attack.. of a differen kind :)

2008-10-11T04:52:00.001-07:00

Our friend Giri’s wedding was on 15th of August. Since 16th and 17th happened to Saturday and Sunday we thought we could see surrounding places apart from the wedding. The place is called Belve, which is a small village in Udupi district. After about 10 hours of journey we reached Udupi at around 8 am. We got a bus at around 8:25 to Hebri, the bus groaned and moaned and finally reached Hebri by around 10. For breakfast we had all the regional specialities like bansu, rasaayana, kashaya etc. We took an auto from Hebri to Belve and reached in some 30 minutes.

It’s a small village amidst tropical evergreen forests of western ghats. In reainy season it pounded cats and dogs. Fortunately for us, since last 3 days there were no rains, the roads and the place had been pretty neat. Giri sent Madha with us to another house where we were supposed to stay for next 3 days.
Some 20 steps from Giri’s house towards east was the traditional toilet. It was circular pit of some 6feet diameter and 3 feet deep. A stone plank with a hole of 1 feet diameter ran across the diameter of the room. The pit had been thatched with bamboo sticks and coconut leaves. Best part is it didn’t have a roof. And the door, which was made of bamboo and coconut leaves didn’t have a latch! It wasn’t surprising although we giggled imaging us shitting in that “toilet”. Madha just marched on with our luggage as we slowly followed him, absorbing the beauty of the place. Meanwhile Raghavendra made some dirty jokes about the toilet.

Another 50 steps from the toilet near the end of their field, there was this house where we were supposed to live for next 3 days. And there was the twin of this house adjacent to it. By the look of it, it seemed it had been constructed at least 70-80 years ago. There were no windows. The only door which it had was pretty small both in height and width and we needed to bow down to enter it. We finished our morning rituals which had been long delayed by our travel. Visit to the toilet had been particularly enchanting :)

Lunch consisted of regional delicacies like Kadubu (irregular shaped idly baked by wrapping in banana leaf), Jackfruit sambar, kosambari etc etc all cooked in firewood. Perhaps cooking in firewood lent it extra taste. It was difficult to avoid anything.

We roamed around in the evening to see the paddy fields, cashew gardens etc. marriage rituals were going on, but they were not for us, they had gone there to enjoy. After dinner we settled for cards and booze. Raghavendra explained in his usually very detailed way the things that happened from the time he left his house to US to the time he came back. That took nearly 2 hours!! And as Sadashiva reluctantly began to narrate what had happened to his relationship with his “best friend”, there was a knock at the door and a female voice asked “Can you accompany me to the toilet”. Everyone was curious to hear from Sadashiva, no one moved. Sadashiva continued. Two minutes later, again the female knocked at the door and asked her to be accompanied.

There was a gang of some 8 middle aged women and 1 old man staying in the room adjacent to us. I rose up to go. “Hey you can’t go in the middle of the game”. I didn’t give it a damn and walked upto the door. Nagaraj who is timid and very skeptical about everything, held me back. “I think there is something suspicious there, please don’t go”. There was an eerie silence, no one moved… I mustered up some courage, “Hey you are always skeptical, a woman is standing outside and asking for help, I think we need to help her”. “No don’t go, you are putting all of us in risk”. Nagaraj was firm, meanwhile the woman called out a third time and we dint bother to answer it. There was pensive look in everyone’s face. I came back and we resumed playing. But no one talked much, and even when they talked it was in murmurs.

We continued for some more time and heard the knocking on the door and the voice for 5 more times in a span of 10-15 minutes. We stayed for some 30 minutes after that and slept. I got up at around 5:30 and wanted to go to loo. There sky was turning crimson at the east, and there was faint light. I rubbed my eyes and meandered to the toilet. Just before I sat, I remembered that I had forgotten to bring water. As I turned around to go back, I could see a green saree like translucent thing floating in front of me. Before I could think anything, my adrenalin rush resulted in me preparing to gallop. But I can’t recollect much about how I managed to get back to the room.

When I regained my consciousness, I was in the room and my friends were awake and talking around me. I felt that my leg had been rested upon at a high level. Someone sprinkled water on my face and asked me to open my eyes. Four of them were standing beside me, I was lying on the bed but my legs had been kept on a chair. I was sweating. They sighed as I stood up normally. Srikant S, who is a doctor, said I was under vasovagal attack. (A reflex of the involuntary nervous system that causes the heart to slow down, resulting in brain being deprived of oxygen. When that happens you faint. Vasovagal attack happens when you are so paranoid about something). All I could do was wonder if it was really vasovagal attack or if it was because I saw “ghost” or a combination of both. I didn’t bother to inform anyone, since I didn’t want to be sniggered.

That morning I told Madha of my “ghost sighting”. He wasn’t actually surprised. “Saar, although I haven’t seen anything like that in the 16 years I have stayed in the house. But I have heard many people tell that. One guy who slept in the house was found sleeping near the toilet in the morning. My father used to say there used to be a well in place of the toilet earlier and that a woman had fallen into the well after a fight with her husband”.

Upcoming blogs..

2008-09-12T01:08:00.001-07:00

There are many blogs in the pipeline -
1) Cutoff - which explains the hypothetical state of a person whose brain is cut off from the rest of his body
2) Untitled - my exploits on the cricket field
3) Untitled - Encounter with ghosts, a true story tweaked a lil bit
4) Path to the middle way - My journey so far and further

She,me and a scary night

2008-07-29T04:13:00.000-07:00

31st of march. The final release is in three days. Its not unusual to work late nights at this stage of the project. Most of the bugs had either been marked not reproducible or invalid and only few cosmetic issues remained. It was 11pm, and the team decided to disperse. We called up the main-gate, and found that there wouldn’t be any cabs till 11.30. I had taken my car that day, but decided to go by cab since I was tired.

I was already prepared to leave at 11, so decided to go the cabs’ parking area and wait there. This accounts lady was also waiting for the cab there. She was in a hurry to leave, so when I told her I had brought my car, she profusely requested me to take her home. I relented. We left at 10 minutes past 11. She insisted on driving. I dint like her audacity, but gave in, as I don’t have to tolerate her all the time, and may be the fact that she’s my manager’s wife was there at some remote corner of my mind.

We took the NICE road and then reached some deserted roads a few kilometers before bannerghatta road. I was half asleep by this time. During all this time we rarely talked. She swiftly turned to the left. As I opened my eyes I saw that we were in the middle of an empty street. There were no houses in the road. Either side of the road had bushes to the height of one’s chest. The only source of light there was car’s head lamps. It was absolutely dark and I could not see either ends of the road. The car slowed down and then came to a halt. The car’s lights went off and it blacked out completely.

There was complete silence and the only sound audible was the sound of our own breath. Slowly when my eyes adapted to the dark, I could see that she had a menacing smile on her face. She was confident and hence seemed to have some plan in her mind. I had a big question mark on my face. Either the voice had shrunk out of slight fear or it dint come out since it was obvious that she needed to explain why we are in the middle of no-where.

“Just thought today night is so beautiful, why not take a stroll”
“At this hour? Are you crazy? Let’s go.”
“Relax kid, tomorrow is Saturday’
“I think this is a conspiracy to defame me in front of my manager :)”
“I am not living with him anymore. We divorced few weeks back”
“Oh sorry”
“No Sorries, I am happy it happened. Now are you going to come out not” She opened the door and pulled me out.
I admire adamant girls. But I don’t think I would like to live with them. Sometimes being dominated, being led by a beautiful girl is good. But only sometimes :)
She seemed very naïve and innocent, but guys like innocent and sometimes stupid :) girls.
We walked for some distance, and then, she said she felt like smoking, she wanted to take cigarettes from her hand bag and started to walk back. I went and sat in the rain water drain. Her T-shirt fluttered in the breeze and hugged her body. A silhouette of her bosoms could be seen. Few seconds later it struck me that i could see the silhouette because of a faint light in the background. as i turned to my left, I could see a bike coming in our direction. I impulsively ran towards the car, grabbed the car key and sat in the driver’s seat. There was a confused look on her face, may be she didn’t notice the bike coming behind us. There were actually 2 bikes, which came and parked right behind our car. I locked the car from inside. She bent her head down and to hide her I put my jerkin and bag on her.

The car had the cooling papers on the window screens, so nothing could be seen from behind. There were 3 guys in all on the two bikes. One guy, talking on his cell phone came to the front of the car. But apparently he could see nothing. Another guy came and pressed his nose of the driver’s side window to see what’s there inside. All this while she had been hidden below the jerkin and bag. My heart was pounding. The look on their face, their drunken body language suggested they here hooligans. The guy on my side began to light a match stick.

Well that was it, I started the car and we were off. One of the two bikes chased us. I dint know where to go, but had to just keep going. I took a quick right turn and then right again. I revved up and we were in the main road. From there we drove the familiar roads for a few minutes and reached a place where a few shops were still open. At this point, the hooligans gave up the chase. I breathed easy and asked her to get up. She was too afraid to talk. I tried to pacify her and perhaps myself, by saying nothing had happened. But I realized my hands and legs were still trembling. We had escaped by whisker from being in what could have been a very dangerous situation. We stopped the car to relax.

My mind was still working at a brisk pace to analyze the situation, to make sense of whatever had happened in the last few minutes. I wondered what prompted them to come and stop behind our car in the first place, and then chase us. Did they want to rob us of the car? May be. It’s a lonely place, it could have been their meeting place to discuss who to kill, how to kill or how to rob or whatever they want to do. And today we were in their own nest, and would have been easy prey to them. She interrupted the train of thoughts with a stupid “I’m going to have ice-cream. Do you like to have?”
“Will you just shut up and be here for some time. Don’t you have any seriousness?”
Before I could complete my words, she slammed the door and went towards the ice-cream shop. This infuriated me; it was she who was responsible for this, and now this childishness. I sulked in defeat as she enjoyed her ice-cream.

I checked my watch. It was 5 minutes past 12. I saw the Tata sumo come from front and as it neared I recognized that it was our company’s vehicle. It came and slowed down beside me. I lowered my window. 3-4 guys shouted “April Fool!!!”
“What!? Was this all planned?” I shouted back
“Yes” came the reply

The joke had gone too far. My blood boiled. Felt like punching her on her face. It all happened like in a movie. She came and sat and consciously put the door lightly lest it attract my attention. The atmosphere was filled with sullen silence. I avoided looking at her as I knew I wouldn’t hold myself back if she said a single word.

I drove her to her house. She was reluctant to get down. I signaled her to get down.
“Why don’t you just come in? You can have some coffee”
I smiled indifferently, “So it’s not over yet! :)”
“Hey I am sorry. If you come over, I would like to explain you everything”
I nodded in disagreement and was about to start the car. As if to ameliorate my situation, she put her hand on my shoulder and whispered “Listen buddy, I am really sorry. But unlike what you are thinking, I dint plan all this, it was your friends who had planned this. The plan was to take you to the lonely road and leave you there. And the office cab was to come after 12 and pick you up. I walked to the car on the pretext of taking cigarettes, but I actually wanted to take the car away. Those hooligans were not a part of the plan. Trust me”
That didn’t make my mood any better, but I could just forgive her. I returned a fake smile to her. “I am sorry the joke went too far. Tell me if there is anything that I could do to make you feel better”. I smiled back and patted on her back. She got down, came and stood beside my window. She held my hand with both her hands, with gleam in her eyes, she said “Thanks a lot for your presence of mind. I don’t know what would have happened, if you didn’t act so quickly” and disappeared.

Playthings

2008-05-10T01:14:00.001-07:00

Child, how happy you are sitting in the dust, playing with a broken twig all the morning.
I smile at your play with that little bit of a broken twig.
I am busy with my accounts, adding up figures by the hour.
Perhaps you glance at me and think, "What a stupid game to spoil your morning with!"
Child, I have forgotten the art of being absorbed in sticks and mud-pies.
I seek out costly playthings, and gather lumps of gold and silver.
With whatever you find you create your glad games, I spend both my time and my strength over things I never can obtain.
In my frail canoe I struggle to cross the sea of desire, and forget that I too am playing a game.

- Rabindranath tagore

Tribute to SGP :)

Pamper your ego... for your own peril...

2008-04-27T01:27:00.000-07:00

I have noticed that we all want to be appreciated, admired, adulated when we do something good. But when we do something bad we like people to understand that its not big, show consideration. Or when we are not feeling well, we like to be cared about, we like to be pampered, we like to cheered up.

Why is it so? I know you are thinking its completely natural to think so. But why is it natural? natural because everyone behaves like / expects that?

Ok someone called it ego.. the self.. the intangible thing within each one of us, which expects that it be pampered,cared about,loved, shown consideration when something wrong is done etc... Its to satisfy this intangible thing, that the whole world is in this bizarre rat race... Its this intangible which is the root cause of most of the problems , but is manifested in innumerable number of ways...

Our logic or reasoning is not absolute/impartial. When your ego is hurt, its the ego that drives your logic or reasoning. So you are already seeing the problem in colored glasses, how can you ever expect your reasoning to be impartial? Ego drives the logic /reasoning to pamper itself. Its in this confused state, that most basic problems get complicated, and goes to a state where the starting point is no more important.

The solution although very difficult is conscious thinking at all times... if you can observe your thoughts with aloofness, detach yourself from the actual problem, you can see the problem as it is and not whats manipulated by your ego... Its then that u can actually solve your problem...

Lost and found!

2008-04-18T12:24:00.000-07:00

I had been to IPL's opening match between Kolkata knight riders and Bangalore Royal Challengers today. The opening ceremony was extravagant and beautiful.

The stilt walkers with butterfly wings, beautiful gals enclosed in big balloons, colorful lights, sexy cheer girls who moved their asses rhythmically to kannada and hindi songs, girls hanging to long clothes suspended from the ceiling and performing acrobatic stunts in mid air, shankar-ehsaan-loy's music.... It was a treat for the eyes and ears.

However the match was hopelessly one-sided. Brendon McCullum absolutely slaughtered the royal challengers. I mean it looked like a tennis ball he was batting with, as he batted with so much ease and everything that touched his bat seemed to disapper into the stands. Knight riders posted a huge total. Chasing such a big target of 200+ was not just difficult, but impossible with the kind of team royal challengers have. Having picked mostly either test players or T20 discards by their national teams(Kallis) it was inevitable that they lose. And lose did they so happlessly, being all out for just 82 i guess. I returned home after the 5th wicket of the royal challengers fell.

I could not enjoy much as so many thoughts at the background were grunbling.

Last few weeks have been very hectic. I have been busy at office, or if come home, i would go to meet my fiancee. Even during weekends, i would go to our house being resurrected, get is painted or get electrification checked or get the carpentry work checked etc, or even go to office.

At office, i have had terrible time, have had a row with my team leader and manager. So these days been very hectic and very frustrating at times. Many a times i felt, i was losing touch with myself! I mean i was just going through the motions. although i felt the need for some soul searching I never made myself enough time to it. It had been a pending item for quite sometime, it was of low-priority and all other high-priority tasks preempted this, so could never do it.

Today i returned at around 11pm from the stadium. Could not sleep and as i said the internal grumble had intensified. So sat down thought about the recent happenings. Gave a long and detailed look at every small thing that has happened in the recent past and have silenced the grumbling thoughts. At last i have found myself again.

Phew! Relief!

2008-02-13T01:31:00.000-08:00

I opened my eyes. A soft yellow light from the street sodium lamp fell on small clock which I always keep by my side while sleeping. It was still 3.30 am. I groaned and closed my eyes. I would get up every few minutes, look up the clock and go back to bed. At 5’o clock I decided I can’t sleep any more, leapt out of my bed and got ready for the journey. My roomies still sleeping dead as log. I put on two sweaters hoping they could annul the cold winds. It was still dark, a few birds were chirping here and there. A dog was moaning some distance away. As I climbed down the stairs the dog sleeping beneath my bike opened its left eye on hearing my foot steps, watched me go towards the gate and closed its eyes again. I opened the gate and moved towards my bike. My hushed voice had no effect on the dog. I shoved it. It cursed me whole heartedly and went away.

I started by bike and sped off. Paper boys were busy sorting their papers in front of the temple. I turned in to the Main road and then there was no stopping. The roads were not completely empty unlike I expected. After riding though the familiar roads for about 50-55 minutes I was out Bangalore. Sky behind me was turning crimson. Fog had started falling. The cold winds were sending chill down my spine quite literally. My fingers were going numb. The moisture in the air I exhaled out was condensing on the windshield and blocking the view. Droplets of water were forming on the outside of windshield and trickling down. I could hardly see vehicles which were 50 meters away. I decided to stop briefly. There was a huge arch of fog over the pond.Moisture in the CO2 I exhaled out vaporized and formed various patterns before disappearing in the fog. It seemed like microscopic ice crystals were bursting on my skin and acupuncturing my face. Water droplets hung on to the tip of the blade of grass. Water droplets on the fresh buds. I trampled on the grass and left behind green patches as I walked towards a tree. And I felt warmth in my body when I was letting that go :) :). Phew! Relief.

This was the first piece of literature i wrote. But dint feel there was it was good enough to publish. But somehow...

Time pass

2007-11-20T00:56:00.000-08:00

Well… This is my third post within a week. So isn’t it obvious that I don’t have much work to do? I am goddamn bored of fixing some two bugs per week. Fortunately, I have been in a nice writing form…

Yesterday evening there was this discussion on saints and celibacy. Two of my colleagues – Kamil and Jayanthi were debating. Kamil always has strong opinions on anything and would always present his points in a religious fervor. Jayanthi is a little naïve.

Jayanthi argued she could meet god in flesh and form!! (How insane!!) So I asked what’s god.
“God’s everything. Its inside me, you and these things…”
“Oh so all of us are gods! That’s why you are saying, you can meet god in flesh and form.” We had a good laugh.

Kamil - “The point is celibacy is absurd. Who do you call a living being? Biological definition of a living being is – 1) something that can take food & 2) something that can reproduce to create offspring. The saints don’t do the second one. So I don’t even consider them humans!! LOL. See our body produces sex hormones, which produce carnal desires in us. It’s a continuous cycle. Once in a month or so it’s produced. These desires are in-escapable. If some sage comes and tells he can control sexual desires and he advises me to control it, I would say its utter rubbish. He is not just wasting his time, but spoiling the other people. I say these people are useless to the human society.”

This guy always amazes me. He always has radically different views. I said “I don’t believe there is anything wrong in what they are doing. See you are saying science says hormones are produced blah blah but science has its limitations. In science, decisions are made based on what’s recorded as truth. It’s based purely on fact. Till Columbus discovered America no body knew it existed. I read a few days ago in newspaper – ‘A Japanese woman complained of repeated head ache. When her head was scanned they found the left part of the brain dint contain the grey matter at all. But science believes that left hemisphere of brain is responsible for understanding languages and associated with learning. Then how comes it that she has been normal till she was 32? He has led a perfectly normal life till then and secured good marks in her academics’”.

“May be. But my point is they are unable to control their carnal desires and they are advising us. There is this swami called premananda. U might have also heard of him few years ago. He did all sorts of things in his ashram and made news. It is this sort of people who we call saints”

“I don’t agree that everybody is like that. Its true they also find it difficult to control their desires. May be that’s the reason sages always went to Himalayas in search of solitude. They are also mere mortals. If you bring them back to this world, they would be influenced by us”

“So if they get influenced, why should they advise us? See boss this world has evolved because of people like us. It’s this complex because we have so many desires. If everyone went their way, we would still have been in Stone Age. If they come to me, I would advise them ‘what do you get by being alone sitting on rocks in chilling cold. Come have nice food, have sex and enjoy’”

“Well you are partly right I think. Buddha asked people to denounce desires and went seeking alms, did meditaion. If everyone had followed him, who would give him alms, would they eat leaves? But still somehow I can’t completely buy your argument. “

I had to end it since I needed to finish a small work before leaving at 6.30. Just wondering how my new company would be…

Bike Woes

2007-11-19T00:59:00.000-08:00

Today morning I fell from my bike. Luckily nothing happened to me.

Earlier in the day I had to miss my cab. Our cab timings have been advanced by 15 minutes with effect from today. I had forgotten that I will still slumbering with my dress when the driver started honking. I sent him off and decided to go by bike.

Going by bike has its advantages, u can get ready at your own pace, read paper while eating etc etc… I left some 35 minutes later, vroomed past the known streets of Vijayanagar. Having driven my bike for some 7 years now, it looks like a toy in my hands.

There is this area in bommanahalli where beneath the bridge the road is very narrow and there are lots of stones and mud. I had slowed down knowing the condition of the road but still I slipped on the stones and fell from the bike. Fortunately nothing happened, my clothes got soiled a couple of places. My bike was still roaring as I stood up and shook the dust off. A Good Samaritan offered me a helping hand, lifted my bike and put the stand. He offered me some water and asked me to sit in his car and relax for a few minutes. He was standing beside me holding my helmet till I relaxed. I was moved by his friendly gesture. I thanked him profusely and asked him his name and company before leaving.

The other day in majestic, I was waiting for bus, as the bus came some 30 ppl rushed alongside the moving bus, just to get seat. An old man in his fifties who had ran alongside the bus fell on the floor. The people were so pitiless that they just jumped over him and ran towards the bus; I think some even stamped him, until finally the mob had left and two people came to his help (One was me!! J).

So with that in background I felt happy. As I continued and drove to electronics city, I felt some pain near right ankle, so I stopped briefly to check what had happened. There was again this car guy who stopped by and asked if everything was ok!! “Oh man is he following me or what? Just to make sure that I am ok and can reach?” I thought. I gestured that everything was ok and moved on.

A Midwinter night's dream

2007-11-11T01:02:00.000-08:00

I sprinted towards the main gate. But my cab was gone by the time I reached there. I saw my watch. It was 7.40. Another grueling 55 minutes for the next cab. So me and two of my friends were heading back, then we decided we’re not going back to the office again. We walked to the amphitheatre. It was so cool. To my surprise everyone one of us took out our mobiles and started talking. I wonder if people have forgotten something called solitude. They finished talking and went to the office again may be to swipe their cards again it seems. As I finished talking I was all alone.

It had been quite sometime since stayed late. The trees swayed and brought cool breeze. The light from the distant buildings lit the place, as the moon hid somewhere, enough to see the silhouettes of call centre girls moving. As I moved along the bridge, there was the sound of gurgling water flowing from the artificial water fall. I had heard that they play the music of flowing water to cure in psychotherapy, but its therapeutic values were delighting me as it had a calming influence on me. I just walked along the river slowly and settled at a place beside a tree. The tree has tender drooping branches all over and it hid me when viewed from the food court side. I lied down beside the river so that I could keep my left hand in the river and started moving in it. So cool and delightful.

A shadow kept lengthening. The person was a female and coming from the food court side. I could finally see her. I could not see her face as it was dark, but she surely had the great figure of a model. Might have been some call center girl I thought. The shadow stopped near me. I turned to my right. What the hell was she doing here at this time? Let me introduce this woman. I don’t know her name. But she’s quite famous in the company. She always reminds me two things whenever I see her – 1) hybrid tomato as she looks so red 2) water bed as she’s plump. She looks sexy and there is not one in the company who wouldn’t have fantasized spending a night with her.

“What are you doing here?” she said as if she knew me. Before I could say anything, she kneeled down beside me.

I was confused by her effrontery. I just shrugged off my shoulders as if to indicate “just like that”. And I attempted to sit up. She pushed me back. I was gripped by fear as to what was happening. She bent over and closed in on my face, I could feel her breath on my face. The smell from her body was tantalizing. Her bosom was resting on my chest. Her heavily colored lips closed in on mine. Her tresses around my face. I went stiff when she did so, not knowing what to do. It was a mixture of feelings for me – shock, remorse, excitement, fear. Her hands slowly slid behind my head and she started fiddling with my hair as she kissed me on my lips. My body became warm suddenly. I felt a stir in my groin. I started to feel breathless.

The stir became more intense. It was becoming impossible to resist. I opened my mouth and felt her tongue. It was like heaven had suddenly come on earth. The kissing became more passionate. As I moved my hand towards her bosom, suddenly everything became dark. It suddenly started to seem as if I had been suspended in mid air and I dint know what was happening with me for a moment. When I opened my eyes, my left hand was on my friend’s unshaven cheek. I took it off in disgust. I unlocked my mobile and it glowed “2:17”. I went to pee off.

LIfe...

2007-07-29T01:05:00.001-07:00

All the human beings constantly struggle for the sake of happiness and get entangled in the process, in some crisis. Everyone struggles for freedom and gets caught in some form bondage. They strive for name and fame but humiliation lies somewhere in the wait to pounce on them unawares. The attempt to evade death continues, but the fear of death doesn’t recede. Right from birth till the curtain of death is drawn, man is swept through the current of life by the conflicting waves of laughter and tears, victory and defeat. He sometimes becomes as hopeless as a fly caught in spider’s web. None can escape these conflicting forces, neither the peasant in the countryside nor the eminent statesman in the capital, neither the owner if a palace or a monastery nor the occupant of a cottage or a cave. Is that all there to life? why then has man made a compromise with his state? why does he remain satisfied with his limitation? why does he constantly try to escape from these shackles? why should imperfect man forever contemplate the image of a perfect man? The truth is this: Man is not truly mortal, not truly bonded, not truly imperfect. Because of ingrained ignorance he believes that he is mortal, bonded and incomplete, but his inner spirit resists this constantly. Without shedding his ignorance, he cannot see the inner truth. His struggle is, thus, unending until he realizes his real nature.

With the heat of the sun, the water of the sea turns into vapour, forms itself into clouds and rises to the heights of the Himalayas. The true nature of these particles of vapour is the sea itself. and they constantly strive to get back to their true source, the ocean. Hence they are so unsteady till the reach their real state , their true home of the ocean, they continue to float and wander. Every living being, which has been displaced from its source of perpetual happiness has an indomitable urge to attain true happiness and to remain constantly in this real state of being. Hence the struggle for this attainment goes on and the human being is constantly restless. He seeks happiness in wife and children, in wealth and other worldly matters. It is with the desire for the attainment of happiness than man engages himself in various acts that lead him into good or evil. His attempts, however, are not guided by complete knowledge. Partial knowledge or ignorance leads him into confusion, doubt and misery. When he attains true knowledge, the individual becomes free from bondage, attains perfection and experiences perfect bliss.

All our social, political and economic reforms are intended to provide for food, clothing and shelter and thus remove obstacles in the path of physical existence. but there is another struggle thats going on for the maintenance of ego. Man has not yet learnt the art of disburdening himself of this struggle. the ‘ego’ tries to main its identity, its superiority - in the family background where it is born, in its working environment, in the midst of friends and colleagues, in other forms of social relationships. We can imagine the maze of problems that can arise from this struggle. Existentialist writers show a great skill in depicting this struggles most impressively and movingly.Bertrand Russel remarks in his book “The conquest for happiness”: “what people mean by struggle of life is really struggle for success. What people fear when they engage in the struggle is not that they will fail to get their breakfast next morning, but they fail to outshine their neighbours.”

According to views of wester thinkers, efforts made by man to maintain and preserve the ‘ego’ is one of the unavoidable existential necessities. In the view of Kierkegaard, the father if existentialism, all experiences that man can gain come through the narrow passage of the ‘ego’. he summarizes the features if human life in four words: individuality, contradiction, choice and bread. He goes in to explain the struggle of the ego. Just as man cannot perch on his own shoulder, he cannot transcend the four limitations referred to above. The word “individuality” encompasses the limitations of the person who is caught in the current of forces like various impulses, interests, actions, reactions, influences and protests in the context of pressures emanating from time, place, environment and tradition. The quality of life of an indivisual depends on the occupation of profession he has chosen and his attitude. but is he really free in this? He feels that nothing is impossible for him. But when he goes a few steps forward, he finds unsurmountable barriers around him. He realizes that he is helpless. He realizes that his life is like a tree without roots, a house without foundation, boat without a rudder. death engulfs everything in a fraction of a moment. However, even in a midst of these contradictions he sometimes sees principle of unity or reconciliation….

In India, thousands of years ago, our sees had found answers to existential problems from the highest level of spiritual consciousness….

Th true spiritual exercise consists of effort to reach the high state of consciousness. recitation of mantras, worship, meditation, selfless service are steps leading to this high state of consciousness. ‘Realization of self is religion, the struggle to transcend the limitation of the senses is religion’ - These statements of swami Vivekananda give us a true idea about our goal and the means to reach it.

- Swami Jagadatmananda

This article which i saw in one of the magazines was very moving. It was somewhat puzzling at the same time it made me question myself. So i had to publish it. Looking forward to read more about the existentialist theories by Bertrand Russel and Kierkegaard.

Sacrilege?

2006-08-10T01:27:00.000-07:00

I drove my car to the abandoned layout. I started walking as do most people who come there. I was wide awake and could perceive the minutest details around me. It started raining. The aroma of mud, the clean roads, and the soft yellow light of the setting sun, the cerulean skies, the clean air, and the palm trees at a distance, the slow, melodious music from the temple, light drizzle made the whole environment awesome. I went back and threw my cell phone in the car and continued walking. People started to dwindle as the drizzle continued. It’s a perfect place for troubled souls to do some soul searching, for people who prefer seclusion from the daily chores and relax, for people who want some fresh air and get some exercise, people who clandestinely want to meet their loved ones, for people to conspire things.

I pondered and soliloquized over many things till that eternal question of whether what I did to her was right came back to haunt me.

“We won’t keep in touch from tomorrow” I had told her.

“Alright, if that is what you want, fine, this is my last call to you” and she'd banged the phone down.

That was two days ago. No messages or calls from her since then. Sleep and hunger have been elusive. With a heavy heart I walked along the road which was deserted now. It was in these very roads that i had talked with her for hours as i walked. Feelings of guilt only added salt to my already wounded heart. I had to choose between my heart and mind. I chose what my mind said eventually. Mind is wise and it knows what is best for me, I had argued. She had said mind is about copied things, makes decisions based on your past experiences and whatever you have heard or read, heart knows what exactly you need. I was awestruck. That was the first time she ever spoke philosophically or more generally intellectually and I was baffled with her ingenuity.

Mom said “Come on in. It’s getting late”

“Wait mom. Two more rounds. Should get my figure right as early as possible” I said giving a false smile.

I wanted to make sure that I look normal in front of her. So I thought of walking for some more time.

I'd said “What you say as heart is nothing but a gamut of emotions. And these emotions are your reactions to the situations you face – the difficulties, happy times etc. You can change your emotions if you want. But don’t try to serve your emotions always.”

“You don’t understand anything! A n y t h i n g! You think you are very intelligent and give big lectures but do you ever try to understand my feelings. You are a maniac, an egomaniac”

“Good!, you understood me finally. Thank you”

“Yes. Wish you all the best for your future.”

“Wish you the same”

I am not the one to express my emotions be it joy or sorrow. I had camouflaged my feelings from her. Now I had started to feel a sense of guilt. My throat was drying, my hands were shaking, and my face seemed lifeless. With every breath I took I felt like moving towards a cliff.

I moved into the driver’s seat. I pushed in the key, and was moving it back and forth. Mother noticed that I wasn’t normal. I was trying to behave normally but the compunction was killing me, eating me from within. She kept her hand on my shoulder and said “What happened” slowly empathetically. That was enough for me to break down. I just could not control this anymore, I gave in. I opened the door, and collapsed in to the rain water drain. Emotions burst out, with tears raining out of my eyes. I felt like i was falling into a bottomless well. I dint want her sympathies, she dint know how to react to this either.

DISCLAIMER: Guys this is purely fictional. Of course fiction needs some real inspiration. The agony i saw some of my friends undergoing inspired me to write this :)

......

2006-04-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had this experience? You are sitting in the cab to go home and some one in your team calls you to tell there is a bug in your code and you have to come back. Well I had to undergo this inhuman treatment today.

It was 8.30. I was on the way to main gate, my phone started ringing, the no… oh shit… it’s the office landline no. I knew from a past experience that something was amiss. Dint want to pickup the phone, but if I was destined to suffer who could prevent? I picked up the cursed phone.

The module lead on the other side says “Srikanth…”
“Wait… Don’t tell there is some bug. I am already near the cab” I say facetiously
“Actually, in the EventTemplate Manager, confirmation message is coming twice”
“Yaar it’s a simple fix. Don’t make me stay for 2-3 hours for a job that takes hardly 5 minutes. Why don’t you yourself look into it?”
There is a pause of few seconds
“Ok. I will do it”
“Thanks yaar. And sorry”
“It’s ok”

I go and sit in the cab. Two minutes later, the dreaded phone rings again. The same no again.
“Hello Srikanth. I have other work to look into some other issues. I don’t have time. Why don’t you come back man? We will arrange a cab at 9.30 for you”
“Ok. I am coming” I replied with a mixture of sadness and anger in my tone
“Sorry yaar”
“Its ok”

I don’t know how many times I used the ‘F’ word before reaching the office. I whole heartedly cursed that module lead and the company ( don’t know why company got victimised :) ). I opened the door and without looking at that guy I just rushed to my system. Phew! I had shutdown my system!!! :( A software engineer shutting his system is like raining in summer. Few more ‘F’ words come out fluently. I switch on the system and that guy comes from behind and says “Sorry man… I have some other work”. I say “Its ok” demurely without turning back.

This is not the first time it happened. Some time ago I was called back to fix a “minor” issue because of which I had to stay till 5 am. The problem is you might fix the bug in 5-10 minutes, but there are no other cabs and you have to wait till the last person in your route is ready to leave. Moreover food won’t be good in the evenings.

The first thing I did was to open a empty word document to write a blog in protest of this inhuman practice. I felt like "bali ka bakra". Started the IDE and the server and then the client. Saw the issue and fixed it in two minutes. Then it took some 5 minutes to deploy the code and restart the client and test it. Works fine. Checked in file. Done. Then I went to have dinner. Another cab was about to leave by the time I completed my dinner. I wanted to complete this blog before my anger reduced, before I could soften my stand, before I could lose out that flow. Told the office boy that I would leave in the 9.45 cab. Its 9.49 now and my mission is accomplished.

can anyone suggest a suitable title?

Quote

2006-04-20T05:55:00.000-07:00

People spend a lifetime
Searching for happiness

looking for peace
They chase idle dreams
addictions,Religions, often other people,
Hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them

The irony is that
the only place they needed to search was
within themselves

Ramona L Anderson

Rajkumar Dies...

2006-04-13T22:36:00.000-07:00

In our cab the cabbie and two others are telugiites, they were discussing the situation
“They have burnt one Volvo bus as well”
“I don’t think when NTR died there was this much of chaos in Andhra”
“In Tamil Nadu there was the situation was still worse when MGR died”
“Ya there they worship cine actors. You know what there are three Khushboo temples and two Simran temples in TN. One hardcore Rajni fan was interviewed, he was telling when Rajni comes on to the screen, and he imagines himself in Rajni’s shoes and thinks as if he is doing everything”
“Crazy people…”
“Andhra people are decent. They wont do like this”
I was getting hurt I said chauvinistically “Not because they are decent, Andhra people just don’t care for anyone. Tell me when is there no problem in Andhra? Naxalites keep kidnapping MLAs, try to bomb chief minister. This is what decent people do is it? Show me any such incident in Karnataka. It has always been a peaceful state.”

The media has cashed in on the Raj Kumar fans hysteria. Switch on any channel, you will invariably find mobs being lathi charged or police men being stoned by frenzied fans or buses being burnt. In fact all channels except Kannada channels and news channels have been blocked.
Times of India has gone overboard with the headlines “Bangalore Burns”, concentrates mostly on the buses being burnt etc while sidelining rajkumar’s death. Deccan herald gives a more emotional headline like “Farewell to annavru”.

While there is no disputing the fact that NTR and MGR were great actors Raj kumar scores above them with his simplicity even at the highest level. Those who came in contact with him felt his warmth and humbleness. And the fact Raj Kumar didn’t misuse his star status to enter politics is a reflection of the man’s stature.

No matter what he will linger in our minds forever. And let his soul rest in peace.

Mind games

2006-04-13T01:35:00.000-07:00

Most people keep thinking the same kind of thoughts, and visualise the same mental images in an unconscious automatic manner. This means keep viewing the same movie in their minds, and consequently go on creating and living the same kind of life.

You can change the thoughts and images in your mind, which is equivalent to inserting a new cassette into the VCR of the mind. As thoughts create events and circumstances, by changing the habitual thoughts, life’s events and circumstances change too.

Most people don’t know or don’t believe that it is possible to change their way of thinking. The reality of this possibility has never occurred to them. There are people who have the knowledge and make the effort. If they persist in their efforts to become more conscious of their thinking process, and attempt to control and filter the contents of their minds, they realise in a practical and direct way that their thoughts are creative and possess power.

Silencing the mind is a higher stage that very few know about, and fewer take practical steps to achieve. If and when one reaches this goal he realises that he is not his mind or his thoughts, but something beyond. He realises and experiences in a very clear manner the reality of his true essence, and the illusion of what is called reality.

The ability of silencing the mind is the key to the switch of the mind, enabling us to turn it on and off as we wish. When we are able to switch it off at will, we experience serenity of mind, strength, confidence and happiness. When the mind and its thoughts are quiet, we are able to use the mind in a most effective way.

Silencing the thoughts and the incessant, tiring, consuming chatter of the mind makes us enjoy a peaceful and joyous consciousness. At this stage we become the boss of the mind.

A strong power of concentration makes it easier to free the mind from thoughts. When there are no thoughts to distract, one becomes fully aware and conscious of the true eternal inner being. This is the goal of spiritual seekers, yogis and saints. This is the secret goal beyond every tradition and religion. This secret is yours to live and enjoy, if you strive towards it.

The mind is responsible for everything that happens. It is the creator of everything in the world. The world is dependent on the mind for its existence. When in deep sleep, are you conscious of the world? Is someone in a swoon, conscious of the world? No, consciousness of the world happens only when the mind is active. In deep meditation, when the mind is quiet the world seems to disappear. When the mind is conquered, the world is conquered.

~Courtesy TOI

One freak incident...

2006-02-24T22:58:00.000-08:00

One freak incident happened a few days back… I was returning from my morning jog. A girl came from a street on the left. She was wearing tight white pants sticking to her thighs and her yellow T shirt was slightly above her waist. She had dyed her hair red. She started walking in the same direction as me. She was walking at some 50 meters from me. Given the kind of street it is, you could always expect people to stare at u when u wear such dress… she was the center of attraction…

One man aged around 50 walked in the opposite direction. He had sagging skin around his eyes and mouth and grey hair. He just kept staring her till they crossed. And what was even more interesting was that he kept turning back to look at her. I could not control my smile when he came near me. He quickly understood… we both found ourselves laughing loudly in the middle of the street.

Those two days..

2006-01-06T23:35:00.000-08:00

The homa kunda had been laid. I had brought with my own bare hands bricks from a considerable distance. Shastrijis were busy decorating the homa kunda. We managed to get a table fan from the adjacent house. We put the fans near the window so that they could blow out the smoke. I got ready and hung my newly bought digicam around my neck.

The homa started. I started clicking my camera at virtually everything that seemed remotely interesting. After all I could take 300+ photos even at 3mega pixel resolution. When I was turning my camera in all directions, my camera’s eyes fell on a beautiful girl. She smiled at her companion. My heart missed a beat. She was wearing a pink dress, the favorite color of most girls. I showed her to my brother. He didn’t show much interest. But I was determined to take her photo but somehow deferred it.

That afternoon, she sat for lunch on one side. Tables had been laid in two rows facing one another. I wanted to sit right opposite to her and watch her from close quarters. But this opposite row was completely empty. I waited for some seats to be occupied and just when it got filled till the middle of the row I jumped to the seat. Ya I got to see her closely. I could stare at her for just 1 or 2 seconds. I felt I was being watched so turned my to my left. ThenI started taking photos. I took some 3 photos when came her turn. I zoomed in to get the closest picture and clicked.

That evening one of my friends was to come from Shimoga, I went and received him at the railway station. After introducing him to my parents I took away and told him about her and showed her photo. He did not show much interest either instead he asked – “Did you talk to her”. “Talk what? I don’t even know her”. “You don’t need to know everybody to talk to them. You could have asked how the food and all was”. I nodded nonchalantly indicating that that could have been done. But it would have been rather uncharacteristic of me to ask her. I usually am more reactive than proactive. If a person starts the conversation then I would happily continue it but I am usually a bit hesitant to start any conversation. Also I couldn’t have escaped the 50 odd people’s prying eyes who seemed more interested about others than themselves.
The next day afternoon she had come again for lunch. But I was busy with some other work so I could not take another photo of her. After the lunch my doddamma(my father’s cousin’s wife) asked “There is not even a single girl to cool your eyes right?” I was taken aback. I mean she would talk quite freely everybody, but still this came as a surprise to me. But i recovered quickly and said – “No yesterday I saw one good looking girl here. I have even taken her photo”. Before I could complete my words someone else dragged her to conversation.

In the evening I had gone out with some relatives to have some junk food. When we returned, there she was having dinner in the hall. She was already half way thru.I hurried into the room to get the camera. While coming out of the room doddamma quipped “I know why you took the camera. In the afternoon I was wondering who that girl could be. Now I saw her. But she is not all that good”. “May be you have seen her friend. She is good looking” I bargained. “Just ok-dokey”. I ran to the other room from where I could see her. But there were already 7-8 people sitting on the bed and chairs. I went to the farthest end of the bed behind everyone. My brother came and sat beside me. I focused on her and…Click…flash…flash...flash. My uncle who was busy conversing now got curious and asked for the photo. Fortunately or unfortunately somebody had come in between and only his back could be seen. I clicked for the second time…click…flash…flash…flash. This time again some one who was sitting, got up just in time. She was already having curd rice and could finish off any moment. I told to myself ”C’mon man…do it fast”. I focused for the third time and clicked…my aunt moved sideways…and you know what would have happened. It seemed like all the gods had conspired against me. This time, the girl turned around to see where all these flashes were coming from. She saw me holding the camera. The zoomed out lenses pointed towards her. She smiled to her friend and whispered something. They were off the next moment. Seeing my pale face my uncle seemed to have understood my feelings, he didn’t ask for the photo again. I was happy I had communicated what I could not say.

After this incident I did not see her again but she came in my dreams twice. I have been longing to see her…I came to know she is the sister of one of the Shastriji's daughter-in-law.And that shastriji is my father's friend and stays near my house. So..i am still in with a chance :)